Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Addiction and Detox

The bottle had been opened and the genie slowly came out. The stopper had been removed from my expression of self. Emotions that had been suppressed for decades, now clamoured to be expressed and heard by more than me. And the deeper the feeling had been pushed, the louder it came out.

The triumphant freedom seeker was my anger. Anger at feeling unseen, controlled and made to feel wrong, always feeling wrong for who I am, for feeling inadequate and not good enough because of who I am. This was initially directed at my father for obvious reasons and I did some careful forgiveness work to deal with that ,… or so I thought.

The anger was still there, however, and would not be denied. It had found a voice and it spoke. I was angry at just about everyone who got in my way. People who walked on the “wrong” side of the sidewalk annoyed me. People who smoked in non designated areas, people who broke simple conventions and courtesies, people who whispered during public events – all incurred my unspoken wrath and muttering. It gave me a buzz and feeling of superiority since I did not commit those infractions – at least not where they could be seen by others!

But the greatest explosion was for those who accepted responsibility and then, in my opinion, did not live up to it. Governments ignoring the obvious problems of the poor, doing nothing about it; claiming a lack of funds when there were billions spent in propping up business and the establishment. But it came closer to home and more personal for the people I worked with. If one did not live up to their commitments, I gave them an earful, expressing my ravings almost irrationally. I became almost addicted to the high I got from it and the feelings of self righteousness that I relied on.

Then after I returned from Africa, I caught a glimpse of myself and the emoting I was doing. I started to look more closely and did not like what I saw. I worked at it and then realized that I had more unresolved 'stuff' to clear – and I did. I now know that I need to watch myself at all times that the work is never completely done. I detoxed.

I watched my self change once again. I became calmer. I see people’s efforts and limits more compassionately as I need to see my own. I became more tolerant and forgiving – all in line with doing that for myself first. Other changes happened. I have been clearing out old stuff – my desktops and computers at home and at work, accumulated papers and files, old clothing. I feel less driven. Where I am is OK and I do not need to move off to “save the world” in another venue right now. If I am to work elsewhere that will happen. In the meantime, I am much more content than I have been for a long time.
I am enjoying my season.

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